Semper Gumby

Setz, Me, my hardcore SAW gunner Garrison, and Droll the serial killer, getting ready to come down off the hot plate- I mean roof.
The premission prayer.
This one is for my un-sung gunner Sartor he doesn't get to dismount much but when he does he definitely proves he is on it. Be safe and have fun on leave brother.
I think they need tobacco laws here!

Wow, have we done a whole lot of shit since my last post. I fucked up this time around and didn’t keep a running journal of what the hell was going on. Things were going at such a fast pace and still pretty much that most of the shit we did run together like a huge jumble in my mind. Our task and purpose can change at a minutes time, and sometimes even on the ground. I tell the guys Semper Gumby, which means ‘Always Flexible’. Be ready to bend and flex to accomplish the mission, and we will. It’s Groundhog Day every damn day with minor tweaks and twists. I’ll try to put it together the best I can and in the future do a better job of writing down what the hells going on.

August this month is so damn hot the word ‘fuck’ can’t even put it into perspective. It’s a nasty heat that even after you get back in the truck and put your face in the vent of the AC you still feel overwhelmingly hot. Your body is soaked from head to toe. Sweat runs down your face and leaks into your eyes burning them and obscuring your vision. To get a taste of the heat one would have to go outside in jeans and a jacket and a 60lb back pack run around the house and up and down some stairs come back inside and instead of trying to cool down by the fridge or the AC have the oven on and stand in front of it and open it. The heat is inescapable.

The first mission I’ll start with was the barrier mission, what a cluster fuck if something could go wrong it did. We in the military have a logical excuse for this and it’s called Murphy’s Law, what can go wrong will. Murphy tends to show up and turn a simple task into an epic of biblical proportions. Murphy is like the Gremlins of WWII. An example is when we set out to do this shit our route turned out to be impassible and we had to take a different route taking us next to an area that was really shitty and shady. Then one of the monstrous trucks toting the barriers became lodged in a shit pond breaking an axle and shredding a fucking tire and dumping the barriers off of the back. Through all this we still accomplished our mission, which was only supposed to be a couple of hours turned out being a lot of hours. Later we would find that one of our sister units decided to drive their fucking tanks over the damned barriers destroying them…. Hoooah!

The next one we set out on a 3 hour to deliver medical supplies to some of the clinics out in town. A little good will gesture to the local populace. Fucking Right? We reached a certain point and left the safety of our vehicles to walk the route. We walked and walked and walked a little more. One of the clinics didn’t even want the stuff we were bringing. They said that they would just get stolen. We reached a neighborhood where the kids decided to through rocks at us, then they followed us for a little while hiding behind shit and throwing rocks. It’s a good thing that my gunner is a crack shot with a sling shot… Right? Maybe throwing rocks is there way of telling us thanks for the medical supplies and medicine! At one point I think the temp peaks 130 and a little over. Walking now has become a tedious chore. We are directed down one street walking in front of the vehicles and suddenly the people get ghost. The street becomes barren and empty and the obstacles in the road are reminiscent of some war movie where the star platoon is about to walk into a sick ambush. The only people out, are those out of the suspected kill zone looking on like spectators in a blood sport. The point man Murrdawg looks back to me and at the same time we both utter the words “Fuck that!” We back track and take a different route. We hit a road intersection with an open area to our left front. The point man on my side of the road steps over a plastic bag looks down, looks up again, and yells for everyone to get back. We all run back and assess the situation. Running yet alone yelling at this point becomes a matter of endurance, it is so hot and the heat has bled the energy from all of us. The point man had seen wires coming out of the bag and going out into the open area. At this point we are all smoked, a short walk has us breathing hard, myself I’ve already drank 7 bottles of water. I suggest getting on the roof of the building on the corner to get better eyes on the suspected device. We hop the gate and take the house by force clearing to the top. Thankfully it was only a three story home and there was a lot of stairs because at this point we really needed that shit. We got up top to look down on the device and immediately started taking small arms fire. The guy sucked obviously after 3 shots and he couldn’t hit shit. We panned out for 360 degrees security on the roof. We had guests also on the roof; about 3 sheep were up there. Setzer runs around the corner then comes back and he says “SSG Ruark you gotta see this shit!” meanwhile shots are still cracking over our heads. “What?” “I just saw the funniest shit.” “What?” He is laughing so hard he can’t even tell me. CRACK! “This fucking sheep straight jumped off of the roof.” “What?” “I’m not even bullshitting right now that bitch jumped off the roof.” “What onto the next roof.” “NO straight off the side like down 3 stories.” CRACK! “No fucking way.” I went with him to the other side of the roof to look down. It was a long way down and he said that the sheep flipped upside down on its way over. The neighbors must have thought it a gift from Allah or some shit because there was no sign of a sheep. I don’t know maybe the little fucker made it.
Unable to see wires running out of the bag we went back down stairs and made a short run undercover back to the trucks. At this point this short run felt like a marathon. My muscles began to cramp due to the never-ending heat. Did I tell you that this mission was only supposed to last like 4 hours or so? We called EOD to come check out the device. About 4 hours later they arrive with Dco and begin clearing the device. They had set explosives down on the device though later they deemed it to be nothing. BOOOOOOOOOOM! “Did they blow it?” “I don’t know?” No it was Dco getting hit with an EFP about 100m from our position. No one was hurt but the truck had to be towed away. We went to the scene of the blast and started clearing houses and asking questions. I began to wonder how much more my body could take. Everyone was sucking. I honestly didn’t know if I could climb anymore fucking stairs. We found the initiation device and rolled that up and after 14 hours of straight suck we returned to Rusty. That fucking shit sucked hard and was a lesson in endurance. I guess they really appreciated the medical supplies and celebrated with explosives. These people are so nice.

Nope not done yet long post did a lot of shit so bare with me as I ramble on o’ ye faithful reader. At this point you might want to grab a Red Bull or a Monster, I would. Like I said all the days mix together like some kind of perverted Martini, if those who where there remember it different feel free to comment but here goes.

If memory serves then pretty much the day after the craziness as above stated we went on another mission to look for 3 guys. It was a hot no joy day and we just walked around silly and hot going into houses. Later that night we would get a brief for a raid that would kick off at 0 dark thirty. We punched wire and rolled up to the target block, we dismounted and hauled ass up to the house. My guys were the assaulting element directly behind the breach team. The chain on the gate was too heavy for the bolt cutters so we had the humvee ram the gate open. We flowed in to the front door. The door was a metallic door locked from the inside. Setzer unslung the universal door opener (12 gauge sawed off Mossberg) pumped 2 rounds of 00 goodness into the lock kicked it open and we were in. Surprise the LBG, (little brown guy) we were looking for was not home. We went next door and woke up the neighbors and he wasn’t there either. My guys set up a 360 on the roof while the other team searched. I noticed 2 cars driving down the street with there lights on when suddenly the trail vehicle turned off his lights and made a turn and stopped at that corner. I brought Young up with the 203 (a 40mm grenade launcher mounted on the underside of his M-4 Carbine) and had him launch a flare right at them. The flare has to be shot at a high angle in order to allow it time to flare up and burn. The cars were down far enough where he had to fire in a flat trajectory to get it there. The flare didn’t spark up until about 15m from the ground, then getting caught in power lines, then starting a trash fire, but it did the trick and those cocksuckers rolled out. Young got to shoot his 203 so he was happy. We didn’t find shit and rolled home to go to bed.

Now I know I’m missing shit but we’ll keep going and I promise to start taking notes after this debacle. Here goes. At some point I went to FOB Liberty to attend an intermediate search class. FOB Liberty is huge and has a Taco Bell, and Burger King, so you know I was munching down on some whoppers and burrito Supremes, give me a break I had no choice. Mean while back at the ranch or Rusty or what ever you want to call this high speed avenue to hell. A big ass indirect rocket came into the FOB and decided to land under my truck taking it out of commission. No one was hurt thankfully, the guys were on their way out to the trucks right as it happened. On the day I was coming back from this class, Cco went out to investigate a douche bag that had been seen shooting an RPG or something. At some point during the patrol they got a change of mission. 2nd PLT was off searching another area of the sector and 3rd was dismounted when an explosion set events in an entirely different direction of what was originally going to be a monotonous mission.
3rd had dismounted and was shielded by their vehicle when insurgents touched off an EFP packed with explosives. The explosion was so intense that my guys on a roof about a block away felt the blast and said that it blew out the windows of the building that they were on. The guys from 3rd were blown off of there feet the vehicle destroyed, but everyone was still alive. A couple of there guys had been on the side where the EFP had actually gone off. A majority of the guys down had been 15 to 20m away from this blast. Some were dazed and some had taken shrapnel. My platoon reacted and went to assist 3rd. The guys from 3rd that weren’t affected started setting up security and taking control of the situation. 2nd arrived at the scene and the 3rd Platoon PSG also the acting 1SG had set up his casualty collection and had begun initiating there medevac sequences. He directed the 2nd Platoon guys to a house where the blast happened near, they went on to clear 3 more houses. The guys were then called to a possible cache that 3rd had found. It was a great find and they were able to take a lot of shit off the street from grenades to EFP’s. They ended up detaining 4 guys and one of them was an upper level bad guy on someone’s wanted list. Everyone involved from what I’m told reacted without hesitation. The 2nd Platoon guys went to the aid of their 3rd platoon comrades not knowing what the casualty situation was like, and the 3rd platoon guys expedited there wounded to the nearest aid station. From all the training and preparation the situation was quickly under control. The streets were on lock down, coalition killing weapons were taken out of the hands of those who threaten the security of Iraq, and our friends were alive.
I flew back to Rusty later that night un aware of anything that had taken place. I got back to the trailers and didn’t see anybody. I happened upon one guy who gave me the skinny. I finally saw some of my guys and they were like “You missed it Sergeant!” I was just glad that everyone was ok. It had been a big day for Cco and an eye opener for some. SSG Ume told me that he was very proud of the guys. That they were on it. Setzer was leading the squad in my absence and he and Droll were both commended for their actions by SSG Ume. No hesitation, just reaction.
Now that would probably be a great place to leave off and let you stew, no were not done yet. Grab another Red Bull we’re almost done.
If memory serves, which a lot of times it just doesn’t. We went out the very next day and tried to look for these douche bags that fired this RPG. We were told to look for a dark colored sedan. It shouldn’t be that hard, there was only a dark colored sedan in just about everyone’s driveway on this fucking street. No worries though we searched an ass load of houses got hot as all get out and didn’t find shit. The next day we were on standby for a mission that didn’t go down that was great, or maybe we did do something but it was just gay enough to the point that I’ve suppressed the memory. I do know on the 3rd day I was wearing the same uniform just out of hardness, which I would later regret due to some serious chaffed on my helmet. We rolled to try and find some bad guy, and after taking a knee for aboutn2 hours then rolled to a suspected cache sight were we found some more bad shit, like RPG’s and EFP’s and such and a lot more. Another stellar find. My guys and I were on the roof slowly roasting to a tender crispiness when we got the order to head back down and look for Mr. Shithead. Mr. Shithead was definitely off his game as we rolled up hopped the hell out kicked in a gate rolled in and started fucking people up. We entered a house with at least 20 folks in there cleared up to the roof, and took 4 guys in for questioning. It was actually pretty badass there was Apache gunships flying around in support of us, it was almost like something out of a movie. We would later learn that one of the men we grabbed was the Mr. Shithead we were looking for. A numero uno on someone’s wanted list. It was actually in yahoo news, not our unit or anything that brought him in but just kind of a broad big bad guy was grabbed in eastern Baghdad, type deal. Well if you read it that was us! Cco has been kicking some serious ass lately, and also sweating some serious ass lately. In about 25 more days it should be cooling off.
Here is an update to one of my previous posts. 1st Platoon went and grabbed the piece of shit who sniped our brother. Good night bitch!
Ok man that’s it for now you can actually get the hell off of the computer now and get back to your jobs because I know that you read this shit at work! That’s it. ROODAWG OUT!!!!!!!

A couple of Pics of the COP!!!

Here are the shitters, or sweat box, or pleasure palace if you will.

Here is the sweat box the little red crate is for those who are vertically challenged.

Yaaayy its the COP!
the chow area the cooler in the backround that didn't work.
This is where we would get our swoll on...

This is the hot box in which we attempted to sleep.
Setz, Kum, Hanjob, burning the poo! And Garbage as you can tell these guys love fire!

The Price is Fucking Right

Ready to fight. 2nd Squad 2nd Platoon. DEUCE DEUCE!


The days of the COP are long behind us at this point. We relinquished our responsibility for it at the end of July. I think for the most part I miss the COP. It was a place to go and get away from all the bullshit that goes on here at the FOB. I know one thing we didn’t get mortared at the damn COP. The beginning of this month hajj was mortaring the shit out of us at all hours of the day and night. They are getting pretty damn close. One day I was running like hell to the bunker and I can hear the round sailing through the air so I know it’s gonna be close and BOOOOOOOOM! That shit blows up like 50m away from us. Just the other night one blew up down by the phone center and wounded some soldiers. I was pretty glad that my beloved wife and I were having a bad day and we mutually decided it be better if we spoke when both of us weren't so grumpy, and we said goodbye about an hour before that round impacted. 2 Soldier’s that had only been here for 2 weeks decided not to make a run for the bunker and paid in full for that mistake. Mortars suck!

I want to send out props to the genius that came up with the word ‘fuck’ it just fits everything and it pretty much describes Iraq to the K. Its always ‘fucking hot’ , and fucking sucks, fucking smells, is fucking gay, fucking stupid, fucking pointless, fucking lost …. I could go on forever. As soldiers holding detailed and intelligent conversation we repeatedly call on this great word to describe everything. Like going into the chow hall and seeing the mainline serving something that looks like it was scraped out of a shit trench the simple description is “Fuck NO!”

Well since the COP we have been in disarray. We don’t really have a schedule, its constantly changing. At the COP we knew who was patrolling and who was on guard duty and who had to burn shit and so on and so forth. At the beginning of the month we had gate guard which was good times, coupled with serving as gas station attendants. These missions call for us to sit in the trucks for 8 hours or more at a time. Oh the joy of conversation and how it helps the times pass by. We talk about everything from music, food (it will always turn to food at some point) , and other Soldiers in the squads family members, other Soldiers, and how if we were in charge how we would win the war in Iraq. On guard duty you always seem to have an idea that fixes everything. Our recent genius innovation is that when we get back we are going to score tickets to the Prices Right and roll up in there as a squad, on the way we will stop in Las Vegas but since Garrison is to young he will either have to stay in the car, go to Circus Circus, or just hang out at club Jenna. We talk about this so much like it will really happen. I think half the time we are so fucking bored that we can actually see ourselves there in the audience. We talk about who will listen to the crowd about bidding and who will just go with their gut feeling. You know you’ve made it if you get to spin that wheel. That would make the whole trip worth it just to spin that damn wheel. It doesn’t matter if Bob is retiring and Drew Carey is the new host as long as we get a chance at that damn wheel. A new twist was thrown in when Hancock got back off leave and we found out he was going to get married, we are going to have the wedding out there too and sponsor it through a web site we figured that Garrison can do so we can raise money for the trip and the wedding.

Another source of new found fun is the Google game. Soldiers are full of shit all of the time and every soldier has a piece of information that they try to spit like they are overly intelligent, or something crazy that they heard like an urban legend or something. Now when these nuggets of information come spewing forth and it sounds too good to be true or maybe to far fetched to be true, or causes an argument, the immediate solution is GOOGLE. Fuck it we’ll Google it and by the end of the mission or shift we have a list of things to Google. Garrison is our official Googler. The next day the bullshit will be dispensed. For instance, we had a running argument that just writing your name on the ACT was worth 14 points, the argument was that Picard only scored like a 16 or a 6 or something on the ACT. To settle it we put it to Google and low and behold you don’t get points for just writing your name on the test!!!

Where the fuck was I going with this again??? Oh ya!! We left the COP and we are now in a new zone. This zone is like the Wild West and a lot of bad shit happens there. Boy we sure got excited the first day we went there. We did a lot of walking and it was hot, guess what kind of hot? [Now everybody sitting in front of your computer play along and say it aloud with me FUCKING HOT!] No you’re not crazy you’re just reading the Angry American. Shame on you if you didn’t play along. Fortunately nothing happened but that too can be misleading. Some Soldiers can get a false sense of security that nothing happens and one day you’re fucking off and before you know it an EFP will make you a contestant for wheelchair basketball. I think the funnest thing we’ve done in a while is go on this 14 hour mission that I won’t give you specific details on but lets just say we were in the heart of Indian country. Last time our battalion was in this place they had a huge, long fire fight blowing up all sorts of shit. The place is mainly full of squatters people that just kind of settle down in a mud hut and a shit trench. The kids love to throw rocks at the last vehicle in the convoy. The men of Deuce Deuce were pretty fortunate though. We took a cue off of some PSYOPS guys that the Iraqi’s like music. My truck has a PA system and Kum has an IPOD speaker system so we let old hajj rock out to some gangster rap and Justin Timberlake, and when we were the last vehicle nobody through rocks at us. They seem to really like AKON ‘Smack That’. Iraqi’s old and young were soon bobbing their heads and dancing and smiling as we drove by. It was pretty damn funny.

June as you well know if you watch the news and July were really bad months for us and it has quieted down some. Except for the mortar attacks, I hate those fucking things. It is actually pretty unnerving and no one really knows what to think or expect. We all just hope it stays on the low. A couple of high points Setzer finally got promoted to Specialist which was long over due. He is a fantastic leader and deserves to wear the rank of a Sergeant but I’ll take what I can get at this point. Now I just have to wait for my other high speed team leader Droll to get promoted which should be going down this month too. Once again long over due. These two Soldiers have been leading troops in a combat environment since we got here. The rest of the guys of the Deuce are doing great and have exceeded my expectations of junior Soldiers but that is for another post. Thank you for your support. Have a great day. What kind of day [say it aloud with me] FUCKING DAY!!!!!
RUARKOUT!!!!!!