Shitting Out

You can see what a mess the wires are, and there is no standard as to the type of wire that they use.

All of these wires run to a generator. I'd hate to be that guy.

Warning! The following post will reference to shitting, pooping, dumping, defecating, dropping a deuce, dropping the kids off at school, sending another officer thru scuba, so on and so forth etc. etc. So if you are easily offended by poo then stop reading. If you continue to read you are voiding any or all rights to comment negatively. So with out any further ado.....





Well we kicked off the New Year with a stellar mission. Things were off to a great start as we were 15 minutes early to SP, coms were working great. Well we might have been 15min early and ready to go but the other platoon and the command element decided to make us wait for another hour, I got it shit happens. We waited no big deal understandable. Once everyone was up then we were off. We had to stop in one section of neighborhood and get out and talk to the folks and hand out tip cards in hopes that they will call us and rat out nasty no good types. We handed out candy to the kids and it was goin pretty well. Our whole day was planned out pretty much for the most part we knew exactly what and where and when we were going to be doing things. In the military and especially in the combat zone, as we and you yourselves have learned that sometimes that isn't always the case. FRAGO. Okay we had to go check out a Mosque with our friends the Iraqi National Police. Now for the most part I like to work with the NP's we have had some good times together, and for the most part they seem pretty motivated. Well we were on our way there and it seemed like one turn after another we would get snagged; on power lines. You have to understand that since we took over the place we are now, we have worked exceptionally hard to build a good re pore with the people in this area. Kind, and courteous respectful and so forth. [Now I'm about to leave a whole shit load of info out I'm sorry but its for the greater good, I'm sure you could go to any other news media outlet and read about the things I'm leaving out but I still have some time left with my career and don't want to jeopardize anything like that so I apologize.]


Like I was saying about building a trust with the locals, within 30 minutes of driving we really probably fucked that up. Not on purpose by any means, we know better you don't piss these people off you just don't. Bad shit happens when you piss them off, some of you may think "Well were the baddest, bestest military on the block who gives a fuck?" You can think that shit from the safety of your armchair back in the states but in the real world bad attitudes towards the locals can shift their support in the bat of an eye, and any angry local can become a trigger man or whatever else. Needless to say its like raking your nails across the chalk board watching this unfold. We actually damn near take out a transformer, I think we actually did as I watched the blue sparks chase each other on the power lines and heard the loud popping noise that it makes as they do so. We get out and apologize to the people and issue them claims cards to be reimbursed at their closest FOB.


We get to the objective and sweep it then set up security and wait for the other platoon to join us. We wait, and wait and wait, then they join up with us and now we have to wait for permission to enter the mosque. Other times we have done this the old unit was pretty quick to give us the yay or nay, the new unit... well we waited, and waited, and waited. Finally they said it was ok if the Iraqi Security Forces with us went in. Well they didn't find shit. Finally it was time to go home, and nobody was looking forward to this drive considering the amount of people that were probably sitting home pissed off, and cold because the Amrekee's had knocked out their power. Can't blame them I'd be pissed off to. I have to paint you a little image of the Iraqi power dilemma, only so many people are connected to the local power plant, the majority (at least where we are) rely on other Iraqi's that own big huge diesel generators. They have lines strung up like cob webs across the streets and sometimes on make shift line poles. They are relatively low and not very sturdy, so if you have a really tall vehicle then the chances of you ripping them down are pretty damn good.


We made it home without incident but everyone was really nervous.


Ok so now on to shitting. I come back to the truck after hours of pulling security and the first thing Kum tells me is that Hannibal shit in the truck, well thats not new to me because I remember another time that Hannibal and shit in the truck out on mission. The reason I'm writing about this is I thought it might be interesting for you to know how creative Infantrymen can be when it comes to taking a shit with no available facilities. The mission I just discussed was about 10 plus hours of being out. Sometimes you just get that twist in your gut where you know your gonna have to shit out, but are no where near any place where you can. For me back in the world its always Wal Mart, we go there after eating Chinese and suddenly I'm smitten wit da shittin. I go to the front of the building to the bathroom but usually discover that some how some one has figured out how to shit on the ceiling making the bathroom unfit to use, my trick is to go to the back of the store and use the shitters back there. I digress.


Well I wasn't as impressed with Hannibal this time as I was the first time. The first time many moons ago he had to go and some how managed to shit into a Gatorade bottle. Perplexed? Amazed? Yes I was, I didn't actually see the bottle so I was a nay sayer, it couldn't be done. Could it? Just to prove the theory, Setz shit in a Gatorade bottle, and we all held it and looked at it as if it was some mysterious artifact, like a ship in a bottle except it was shit in a bottle. He said that bottle emplacement is key.


Well this time that Hannibal shit in the truck he used a Styrofoam 'to go' plate. This idea was made popular by Setz, who during a gate guard shift found himself with 'the pain' and with no where to go, improvised a shitter out of a Styrofoam 'to go' plate. I was on the other gate and just braced myself against a wall the old fashioned way. Your probably wondering, well if you guys shit on the go what do you wipe with? Well faithful reader as men who are experienced in shitting on the move you never go anywhere without your handywipes! You either have a big thing of them in the truck or you carry your individual packets on your person. If you have faltered and forgot your wipes, you can cut away the bottom part of your undershirt, or just use your finger. When we are in the field we rely on trees or use our entrenching tools which fold over and you can sit on the shovel part with one cheek, placement of the tool is critical because you don't want to shit on the handle. To be courteous to your fellow soldier you dig a small hole then cover it up when your done, or you can be a dick and leave it exposed in the hopes that your fellow soldier may step upon it during a night patrol.


There is one more problem when shitting in the vehicle- the smell. Now Kum found that by smoking upto about 3 clove cigarettes you can eliminate the odor. I was quite impressed because had they not told me I would have never known that Hannibal and shit out in the truck. The most important part of shitting while out on patrol is security, security, security. Make sure your battle buddy is pulling security for you while you shit, it would be a shame to catch a round in the ass with a terd half hanging out of it.


There you have it, amazing isn't it? If you have any questions about shitting on the go feel free to comment and I will consult our experts to make your on the go shitting experience a pleasant one. Thank you.


Deuce Deuce OUT!!!!!